My Slumbering Heart
jan. 30e, 2012
08:20 pm - Line of Best Fit
These were the best words I could use to describe the feeling inside
I keep trying to shove this big thing into this little box in the back of my closet under my junk in a box with a key that can be thrown away...but I still hear it knocking at night. It keeps me up listening to the sounds of secrets that refuse to die, of feelings that feed on nothing more than crumbs of dreams that we tried hard to forget. There is no such thing as the perfect murder.
jan. 24e, 2012
06:41 am - God if you're reading this...
My life is in your hands. I'd like to think it always was but you give it to me and I don't know what to do with it. I try to quiet my mind but it works so little of the time. I am afraid of all decisions and all outcomes except a miracle. I need a miracle. I am here alone for good reason, not good enough reason but through my own faults, through that awful thing that makes me unlike others. There is no repentance I can give you. I have very little to sacrifice. I am humbled and alone and I will work to change, too late, until my dying day for only you can give the world such a miracle. I ask but I am undeserving, I know.
jan. 13e, 2012
02:40 pm - Insert Foot In Mouth
Here's how I'm rationalizing it to myself:
Self: "Was it what you really think?"
Self: "Then how horrible could it be?"
Erin: "You don't even know..."
Geez Erin. Why don't you just keep your traphole shut sometimes? I've usually been good but it's getting to a level of increasing difficulty. Though really keeping my mouth shut hasn't been accomplishing anything either. Sometimes I think in the silence I can keep this thing that doesn't really exist except in my mind. But it never feels that way. I just want a rsolution one way or another. I want to stop feeling crazy about it.
jan. 12e, 2012
10:36 pm - You Are Frustrating
I can say that somewhere can't I? It all seems so calculated and yet I can't seem to make the calculations make sense. I don't in fact know that I have ever been this confused...ever in my life...by a person. I suppose you go back and forth. I suppose I know lots of reasons why. I also suppose I just want to look at things from my own perspective without considering all of yours. It's hard to try to think of all of yours when I just want to sulk about mine.
There are truths written in stone that we cannot know at this time. So I just have to bide my time. Patience has never been an asset of mine. But at least here I am free to write.
I feel that I tried. Rightly or wrongly I have. And it's out of my hands now...and really that's probably a good thing. I try to take advice from stupid movies...solace in lives different than my own. I just keep trying to buy myself time.
oct. 9e, 2011
07:06 am - Stupidi-me
How do you always end up here and always end up making it worse every year you try to put things right the left turn is proportional distortional no wonder that she didn't want to say and seeing it had to turn away but I rest on the words it isn't my time...sometimes I really think I was better off at home
juil. 11e, 2011
10:30 pm - We Can't Be Honest
Let's face it we're not honest and I don't know why we should be so I continue to lie. And it keeps reaching for me. You look back on years you weren't there at the life you didn't choose and sometimes you realize what you'll lose...what you lost...the time that won't come back...and I...I am not your whipping boy...waiting at the airport on standby...I don't look good naked...that's the truth and there you have it.
mai. 8e, 2011
10:34 pm - Inert Image
The truth? The bitter truth is that this legitamacy is too much for me to give up for a life of uncertainty that I have lived before. The truth is in the words you use.
avr. 14e, 2011
08:58 am - </3
I want to hold you in the space that remains when the image shifts from it's frame. I love you each time that I shiver with shame. The truth hurts so I don't often admit it but eventually we all reach our limit i survived this one but what about 40,000 other minutes
avr. 9e, 2011
avr. 3e, 2011
09:43 am - It's not often
But this was difficult to make the severance complete, how much can change in just a few weeks. I know they see through my loose sort of story to the truth. But there is no proof of the things I didn't say and didn't do even if I wanted to. Even if I almost did I didn't "and life barrels on like a runaway train Where the passengers change They don't change anything You get off; someone else can get on" Give it some time and perspective will make you realize how much it was worth...and maybe it was so little....but that's usually an indication of poverty in your life not lack of intrinsic quality in mine.
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