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My Slumbering Heart

avr. 1er, 2011

09:15 pm - Twisted sort of love

God it's getting closer. The wanting and the desiring for these feelings I used to have and the happiness that flows through my veins, chemically like it could ever compare to love on this earth. It's only a matter of time like a time bomb ticking I doubt I'm strong enough to rest that kiss of fate. I want to channel this high through space and infinity reach out towards divinity one with all this feeling keeping me alive tonight. Before the darkness comes and puts out the light.

mar. 31e, 2011

11:52 pm - people are a disapointment

so I go back to the numbers because they're always there. We're getting somewhere. Consolidation complete and the bill has not yet arrived. Pay off my first car with my next check and we just need to survive the month as expenses for this wedding mount seem insurmountable. We'll be rich beyond belief when we're too old to care. Each day is a unit of time to achieve those dreams. I wish I didn't get so angry today. I can't even bear to be around myself. But you are excellent and good. I've been dreading the day she comes in again. I need to get to a healthy place but can't seem to go. And this is just easier however unhappy it makes me. I see the sun shinging on a lawn that needs to be mowed and children are laughing. I cried when he said "you were my new dream" because some dreams change and some never do. Mary where are you when I need you to make me feel like shit? You lie unresponsive on the other side of a computer screen sonewhere measuring your cereal. God damn I need to gain control of this that started spinning again too fast for me. It'll be alright just go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day with new time marked by hours passing into years.

mar. 29e, 2011

11:07 pm

Daaaaaamn. It's rough and tumble come and go it's getting close and I can't let go fall down into the beautiful sound of expression representation spilling from the sound of all this truth.

mar. 27e, 2011

03:58 pm - Oh heart

Oh heart
in wooden chests
of drawers
oh dirty
bleeding sores
I know I know I know
But wish it wasn't so

mar. 26e, 2011

08:18 am - All clear

Come to me...come to me now...lay your arms aroun me...this is why...this is why we fight. I just keep thinking days and hours you are all the same with those promises you make that you were never asked to make and still intend to break. Silence....silence...

mar. 23e, 2011

08:31 am - Sleepless

Sleepless nights of 
Restless withdrawals
Of feelings I injected into my veins
In time release capsules
And words I almost said but never did
I quit
Cold turkey
And songs that made me smile
Make my stomach hurt
For a few months I felt alive
And tonight
Fall back into that forced slumber
And it is better to fade away than to burn out
Without a doubt
It crept quietly away while you slept
Never to return again

mar. 18e, 2011

12:20 am - A heart breaks quietly

A heart breaks quietly
as you sob silently
at your defeat
deceit persists
But you resist
restless and unable
head on the table
awake from the fable
and the lessons we learn
our hearts yearn
for the heat of understanding
but I am so demanding
reprimanding you in my head
imagining you in my bed
fed up with my imagination
and its endless representations
of something more
that fall short
of what I want
I put all that I am into
you and live to regret
all those lessons I should
not forget
but always do
when I look at you
through the crack in my fingers
my heart lingers on maybes
that don't belong to me
so I'm setting them free
tonight and it may take
some time but it will
be alright.

mar. 17e, 2011

04:51 pm - depressed

it runs like a river under smiles of indecision there is no admission to these muddy banks of hate that bubble up then dissapate. I am thankful for the pain of the seperation from my heart as it drips one drop at a time into a pool of cellulite. And for a moment I thought but I hesitated and time passed with nothing and I realized how dumb that would be. Because all I have is all there is for me. I am remembering all the waiting that went into all the months and all the time that past before you regretted it only when looking back.

08:07 am - Dues

Dues to keep doing thoughts and feelings in a mirror on a morning like any other. I want to say these things, tell you everything. Jaw set in determination eyes feeling heavy and forgetful but I never forget. Live longer and longer in a made up life that only exists in these eyes in the mirror in the mornings where the mind wanders.

mar. 14e, 2011

10:02 pm - March 14

God damn these feelings and these words that keep saying themselves in my brain. I just need to make them go away. Bury them in my backyard where no one will find them. Sometimes I feel like I'm choking on them, like a cat with a hairball. Minutes pass like sand paper on your eyeball. I have no right to the feelings that sit like lead in my heart. The DVRs of our hearts don't have two tuners. I will keep these fingers occupied with lines that don't spell out letters I know the answer but can't help it any other way.


And he will pass away any day
and I will miss him
he held my hand and looked at me
like they do
as the months become shorter
and the time between each breath
as our heart beat quickens
I will be there at the end
when you go home
and those moments with your hand
and my hand
like we can hold on to this world
that is slipping through the fingers
of the hand
that ceases responding to the brain
telling it to move
There is nothing we can do
but take the moments that we have
and I hope you know that you are loved
and cared for

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